The Kryptonite Kid: A Novel Read online

  Table of Contents

  The First Dimension

  The Second Dimension

  The Third Dimension

  The Fourth Dimension

  The Fifth Dimension

  Holt, Rinehart and Winston New York

  for Sandy & Sog

  Copyright © 1979 by Joseph Torchia

  All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book

  or portions thereof in any form.

  Published by Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 383 Madison Avenue,

  New York, New York 10017.

  Published simultaneously in Canada by

  Holt, Rinehart and Winston of Canada, Limited.

  Library of Congress Cataloging in Publication Data

  Torchia, Joseph.

  The Kryptonite kid.

  I. Title.

  PZ4.T684Kr [PS3570.067] 813'.5'4 79-1078

  ISBN 0-03-046676-8

  FIRST EDITION

  DESIGNER: Joy Chu

  Printed in the United States of America

  13579 10 8642

  Kryptonite Kid and Krypton are trademarks

  of DC Comics, Inc., which has

  no connection with this book

  "We are the children of our landscape . . ."

  —Lawrence Durrell: Justine

  I’ve been having tons of crisp dreams lately, waking with the sunlight and remembering every horrid detail. They’re full of heavy chunks of past, of old faces floating through the air, exploding into punctuation marks. Every night they occur, like mosquitoes biting into my sleep, leaving marks that will itch all morning, all afternoon, all the way into evening, by which time I feel a compulsion to record them. But when I sit down at my desk and confront an empty sheet of paper, they run away like children. I chase them and they laugh. I sip my coffee. I nervously light a cigarette. I say a prayer. I bless myself. I slide between my sheets and crawl inside my sleep with certainty. I know they will come again. I know they will find me . . .

  Dear Superman,

  It’s me again. Remember I wrote you a letter a long time ago and you never wrote back? Robert said maybe it got lost or else maybe you already wrote it and we didn’t get it yet. Or else maybe you forgot about it except you never forget because you got a Super brane. That’s why I’m writing again. Because we always buy all your comicbooks even the special big GIANT issues that cost a lot more. And we never miss your television program on TV and that’s why we think you should write us a letter this time. And then if we ever find any Kryptonite around we’ll throw it in the Clarion River so it don’t kill you on our way to school. Goodby.

  Your friends,

  Jerry Chariot and Robert Sipanno

  Dear Clark Kent,

  I hope you don’t mind if I call you Clark Kent but I’ll make sure to put your REAL name on the outside of the envelope so nobody will know who you really aren’t. And besides I don’t think anybody will read this letter unless he’s a criminel. Anyway, the main reason I’m writing again is to ask if you used to wear diapers when you was Superbaby in Smallville which was way before Ma and Pa Kent got poisoned to death and you thought it was your fault but it really wasn’t. Me and Robert just finished the story called THE TRAGIC DAY MA AND PA KENT DIED in GIANT SUPERBOY NO. 165 and I cried like you did. And so did Robert. Especially on page 10 where you took your foster mother’s dead hand and said to her dead body, “Mother!—Her pulse . . . It’s stopped! She’s gone! Gone! Choke!” And then your foster father said, “You must always use your Super powers to do good . . . uphold law and order! Good luck, my son . . . And goodbye!” And then he died also. And you was standing in the cemetery on the top of page 11. I hope you remember. Anyway, if you wore diapers, did you wear them to fool the neighbors when they came by to give your mother presents for you? Or did you really have to wear diapers because you was a real baby even though you was a Superbaby? We hope you’ll tell us this time.

  Your pals,

  Jerry and Robert

  PS: Doesn’t it bother you when they write stories about what you did when you was littler and just SUPERBOY and not SUPERMAN? I know it would bother me if they wrote about me when I was little. Especially if it was something I didn’t want anybody to know. Especially my mom.

  Dear SUPERMAN,

  Last night at supper I decided to tell my mom how Superman might be writing me a letter pretty soon from Metropolis. And she said WHO? And I said Superman. And my mom said SUPERMAN? And my big brother Buster started to laugh. And my mom said there isn’t no Superman because he’s just makebelieve like Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood. And I said that’s really DUMB because you wear a cape instead of a hood. And besides, Little Red Riding Hood is just a story and you’re a real person except you’re a SUPER person which is even better. That’s what I said. You should’ve heard me. Right in front of my dad and everybody. Only my dad wasn’t listening because he was reading the newspaper because that’s what he always does when he’s eating. My brother Buster laughed again and spit a piece of pork chop at me and called me a DUMMIE. And so my mom hit him. And so Buster kicked me under the table when my mom wasn’t looking. I don’t think you would like Buster very much even though I know you like everybody a hole lot. Anyway, my mom said Superman is also a story. And I said No sir. And she said Why would I lie to you? And I said I haven’t figured that out yet. And Buster said DUMMIE again. And my dad said Pass the potatoes please. And my mom said how that kid has quite a imagination. And I was really getting mad, Superman. And so I said YES SIR THERE IS TOO A SUPERMAN BECAUSE I CAN SEE HIM ON TELEVISION AND BESIDES I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM! I was yelling real loud and that’s why I wrote it in big letters. I didn’t like to cry in front of Buster but I couldn’t help it because everybody was looking at me even my dad. He wasn’t even reading the newspaper. He was looking right in my eyes. Then he pushed the chair back and stood up and I thought he was gonna come over and hit me with the newspaper. Usually he hits me with his hand but this time he picked up the newspaper and so that’s what I thought he was gonna do. Instead he opened it up and put it right in front of me and said, “Who’s that?” It was a picture of you, Superman.

  “C’mon,” my father said, tapping me on the shoulder with his thick, hard fingers. “C’mon, who is it?”

  His voice was deep and scary, but not loud. It was his special voice, the one he used on the day we got report cards in school. Even Buster was quiet.

  I was trapped.

  I knew he wanted me to say it’s Superman and that’s why I didn’t want to say it’s Superman, Superman. But it WAS you. You was standing out in front of the Daily Planet with Lois Lane. It was just after she got pushed out the window and you had to fly down and save her again. I saw that program three times. They even had the same picture in TV Guide once and I cut it out and saved it. That’s what I told him. And you know what he told me, Superman? He told me you were dead.

  “See that?” he said, pointing a finger at the newspaper. “You can read. It says Superman is dead. It says he shot himself in the head.”

  I tried to read it but I couldn’t because my eyes were all watery and my nose was running and I knew he was gonna hit me. I knew it. But I didn’t care because I just didn’t because I was mad. I was so mad I couldn’t even talk. And so I had to yell. And I DID yell! I told him how he was a LIER and how that was the STUPIDEST thing I ever heard in my life! I told him how nothing can kill Superman except Kryptonite, like the time somebody tried to stab you with a Kryptonite sword. Then I laughed. I laughed real loud. Except I didn’t really laugh because my dad doesn’t usually lie. And that’s when he hit me. That’s when he told me how that guy on TV is just a actor and not Superman because there isn’t a Superman a
t all. And there never was and there never will be. And maybe there won’t even be a Superman on TV anymore because he committed suicide. Suicide is when somebody murders yourself. That’s what he said when I asked him. Then he said I had to get right upstairs to bed young man and if I ever yelled at the supper table again then he was gonna give me something to yell about. Then he gave me something to yell about anyway. Right across the face. Only I didn’t yell, Superman. I didn’t even cry. I just went upstairs and I thought about it for a long time and then I thought about it some more and then I decided to write this letter and ask you something. Except I can’t right now. Because I’m supposed to be asleep and I just heard my dad turn off the television and so that means I better get in bed right away. Goodnight.

  Good mourning, Superman. How are you today? We are fine thank you. I told Robert all about what happend last night and we talked about it for a LONG time and we decided something. We decided that it MUST be a actor on TV and not really you since you’re too busy chasing down Mr. Mxyzptlk! and blowing out forest fires to take the time to be on TV or to write us a letter. I knew all along that it wasn’t really you because why would you kill yourself when you won’t even let anybody else do it? And everybody knows you’ve had LOTS of chances to do that. But I don’t understand why that guy on TV murdered himself because if I ever got the chance to be you I sure wouldn’t murder my self no siree. Which is what I wanted to ask you about, Superman. You see, I was thinking that pretty soon they’re gonna need somebody else to be Superman on TV and maybe you could ask them to pick me. If you want. And I also thought it might be a good idea if you flew over my house someday when you happen to be out flying around anyway. And if you did it about 5 o’clock in the afternoon then you could wave at my dad when he was coming home from work. Thanks, Man of Steel.

  Your Very Good Friends,

  JERRY and ROBERT

  Dear Superfriend,

  I know I’m a little little right now but I grow pretty fast. And besides, I already know everything about you like all the different kinds of Kryptonite and The Phantom Zone and stuff like that. And me and Robert always say thing's like GREAT CAESAR’S GHOST! and HOLY KRYPTON! when we’re in our Secret Hiding Place which is a LOT like your Fortress of Solitude. Only it isn’t in the Arctic like yours because it’s back near Old Lady Holbrook’s spring. And last year I got to play The Baby Jesus in the Christmas play and so I can already act. And Robert said to tell you that he was one of the Three Wise Men and so if Jimmy Olsen ever shoots himself then maybe Robert could become Jimmy because he already has freckles anyway. Of course I didn’t have any words to say in the play because I was just a Baby. But when Janie Jobb who was my mother The Virgin Mary bent down over my manger I got to cry. And then the shepherds came and I had to be quiet while they prayed to me. Everybody said I was REAL good, even my mom and Sister Mary Justin who picked me. The reason she picked me was because I’m smaller than anybody else in the class except Donna Gapinski who’s a girl. Girls don’t count because Jesus was a boy. And since I would rather get to be you than The Baby Jesus anyway I thought maybe you could keep me in mind. And also Robert. And then we wouldn’t even care if you didn’t get a chance to fly over my house at 5 o’clock which I hope you didn’t forget about. Thank you. Robert says thank you also. Goodby.

  JERRY and ROBERT again

  PS: Robert said he would like to write you letters like me only he can’t spell as good and so he don’t. He said he hopes it’s OK if we write to you together and he hopes that’s not the reason you never answer back.

  Dear SUPERman,

  The other day I took off my shirt and put it around my neck like a cape and I jumped out of Old Lady Holbrook’s apple tree and I flew. You can even ask Robert. I didn’t go very far but even Robert said it was farther than when I’m just jumping. I thought you should know that in case you’re still thinking about if you want me to be Superman on TV. So long.

  Your friend JERRY

  PS: Robert said to tell you he noticed a couple more freckles when he got up this morning on his face.

  Dear Man of Tomorrow,

  Yesterday I was taking a bath in the bathtub and I was reading GIANT SUPERMAN NO. 222 which was about how you fell in love with Sally Selwyn when Buster came in to squeez some pimples allover the mirror. I thought it was really neat how Sally didn’t know you was really Superman and so she loved you for yourself and not for everything else. I love you for yourself also. So does Robert. But Buster don’t. That’s why he sneaked over and grabbed my comicbook and I said YOU BETTER GIVE IT BACK! And he said WHO’S GONNA MAKE ME? And I said ME. And he said GO AHEAD AND TRY. And I said I’LL SPLASH YOU! and he said YOU BETTER NOT! and I said THEN GIVE IT BACK! And he said NO and so I splashed him. And he got real mad. He pushed me under the water and he said SEE, YOU COULD DROWND, EVERYBODY COULD DROWND EVEN SUPERMAN BECAUSE THERE AIN’T NO SUPERMAN, DUMMIE! And I got water up my nose and I tried to hit him but he’s too big and I really hated the way he laughed and said DUMMMMMMMMIE just like a girl. Boy that made me mad. So I was wondering if you could get that machine from your Fortress of Solitude and project him into The Phantom Zone where he’ll become invisible and disappear. And then when he learns how bad he is you could let him come back to Earth. I hope you like that idea. Thank you again.

  Your Pal,

  JERRY

  Dear SUPERMAN,

  I guess thing's don’t look too good, huh? I mean about Superman and television and how I might be in it. Well, I’m glad to know you’re trying if you are.

  JERRY CHARIOT

  PS: Are you?

  Dear Superman,

  Pretty soon we’re gonna be making our First Holy Communion and so we have to go to church a lot because we’re gonna be making our First Holy Confession also. So we have to learn about sins and how to confess them and so that’s why we go to the church. And the other day while we was in church we was supposed to pretend that we was getting ready to tell our sins and we was supposed to be thinking about them and praying. Well, since I couldn’t think of very many I decided to read the latest SUPERMAN’S PAL JIMMY OLSEN NO. 163 which happend to be in my notebook. That’s the one where you’re flying through Jimmy Olsen’s window but you couldn’t find him because he was all shrunk up and trapped inside that bottle. If you don’t remember then maybe you could ask Jimmy about it because if that ever happend to me I sure wouldn’t forget about it. And when I was on page 4 where Jimmy gets thrown back through the Time Barrier that’s where somebody whisperd JEROME! real loud.

  Well, there’s only one person who whispers like that and it’s Sister Mary Justin. And besides, she’s the only one who’s allowed to talk at all in church. And besides, she’s the only one who calls me Jerome. All my friends call my Jerry. And so does my mom. I consider you a friend even if you hardly ever write back, Superman. But that’s OK.

  Anyway, when I heard that I knew I was in for it. So did Robert who always sits beside me because he’s the second shortest boy in the class. And I knew it was REALLY bad when Sister Mary Justin never said a word all the way back to Holy Redeemer School. Which is right nextdoor to Holy Redeemer Church. Which is across the street from Holy Redeemer Convent. And when we got back in the classroom, we said our morning' prayers again to thank God we got back allright from the church where we thanked him we got back allright from the school. And after we finished praying, she put her hands under the white bib of her uniform where she hides her pens and roserys and things. And every time she puts her hands there, that means something really bad is gonna happen. And then it happend.

  SUPERMAN! she said, and she said it so loud that everybody jumped even Albert Ambrozzi who has to wear a transister radio thing in his ear and who always talks real loud and so everybody’s gonna know all his sins when he crawls in the booth and makes his First Holy Confession.

  SUPERMAN IN CHURCH! IN CHURCH! IN CHURCH!

  The last time she said CHURCH! like I had committed a Mortal Sin which is the worst kind there is.
It’s kinda like Green Kryptonite and it means you’re going to Hell. With venial sins you just go to Purgatory which is sort of like The Phantom Zone where everybody is invisible. I don’t know too much about Heaven yet and I think she’s saving that for the end.

  I SIMPLY CAN’T BELIEVE IT! she said, and everybody knew she did believe it especially me. The reason I’m putting all her words in BIG letters is because she always talks loud. Except in church where she whispers loud.

  THIS IS THE FIRST THING YOU’VE GOT TO CONFESS! she said. YOU BETTER PRAY YOU DON’T GET HIT BY A CAR WHEN YOU LEAVE SCHOOL BECAUSE IF YOU DIE YOU’LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!

  And let me tell you, Superman, Hell is a lot like Krypton on the day it blew up in GIANT SUPERMAN NO. 222 page 10. It’s all hot and red and burning. And you sweat a lot and your skin starts on fire and you want to die but you can’t because you’re already dead. So you have to live there forever and ever and maybe even longer.

  YOU BETTER PRAY YOU LIVE TO MAKE YOUR FIRST HOLY CONFESSION! YOU BETTER PRAY EVERY MINUTE YOU HAVE!